Fear of success


                I don’t know what it’s called, but I think I have it. It’s more of a subtle, subconscious thing. A fear of success. That’s the best way to describe it. It’s not that I don’t want to succeed, more that I won’t know how to react when I do. The thing is, I have my bad days. Times when life seems much more difficult than it should be. Times when I wish I could afford to go out and get everything that my family needs all at once. That’s not always the case. Sometimes we struggle.

                It is during those times that I come up with my greatest ideas. Ideas that, if brought to fruition, would end the struggle. Ideas that could provide the means necessary to give them not only everything they need, but also all the things that they want. We have a home, clothes on our backs and food on the table. Much of it comes with the help of family. I don’t want the help, I want to be the lone provider. And if I succeed, it could be the case. At least, that’s what I like to tell myself.

                During those times of hardship, these ideas, these dreams, are what keep me going. The hope that I can better the situation. Become a best-selling author. A world-renowned poet. Making my way up the ladder at work to a higher position. Be the big shot with the nice house and fast car (I absolutely love fast cars). I feel that I have something to focus on and pull me out of the darkness.

                If I succeed, things will undoubtedly get better. At the same time, they won’t. We will still have to struggle, though the difficulties will simply have changed form. If I were to accomplish my goals, I may lose that life preserver to pull me out. I may not be able to focus on crossing that finish line. It seems silly, since I’m not the type to accept failure. I simply have a tendency to drag my feet during the race. I will finish, I may just take my sweet-ass time about it. I know the end will be sweet, and well worth the wait.

                I came up with way to perfectly describe all of this in a few simple words a while back (though a short sentence wouldn’t make for a very good blog post). It’s not that I’m afraid to chase my dreams, but more that I won’t know what to do when I catch them.

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